Eustacia's Romance Corner

Eustacia’s Romance Corner is an advice column for heroines of all genres, wishing to seek romantic, compassionate and practical advice for their problems. This week’s letters express common enough conundrums, with which many romantic heroines may identify.

Dear Eustacia:

I am a romantic heroine of the regency era. Because my stunningly beautiful sister and I were orphaned years ago, I have devoted all my time and energy to ensuring that she marries well. Though I am also quite beautiful but in a more quiet and introspective way, I am cursed with wit, courage, and intelligence and an almost pathological dislike of every handsome man I’ve ever met. Thus, I have reached the horrifying age of 25 without marrying and am fated to spinsterhood. I am casually resigned, because of the aforementioned pathological dislike of handsome men and my spirited desire to retain my independence. Nevertheless I am shyly curious about sex. Are there support groups for women like me?

Spirited, Independent and Frustrated

Dear Spirited:

No, there are no support groups, because of a pervasive social phenomenon that is about to save your bacon. Within the next three weeks, you are going to meet the most masculine titled gentleman you have ever laid eyes on. He’ll be so fabulously masculine, wealthy and attractive that he too will have avoided marriage for years. You will embark on an affair with him in order to assuage your frustrated curiosity. He’ll agree because he is so damned masculine, and you will stir in him primal, masculine feelings of which he never realized he was capable. Amidst all the incredible sex, expect to have numerous doubts and at least one dreadful misunderstanding, but rest assured. The affair will culminate in a marriage you were never expecting. Well, I suppose you will be expecting it now. You might wish to conveniently forget about this bit of the letter. By the way, there is a 90% chance that you will have a dangerous adventure in the meantime, and it will probably involve your sister. Make sure she is wearing sensible shoes.

Compassionately, romantically and practically, Eustacia

Dear Eustacia:
I am a modern romantic heroine who makes her living snuffing vampires while being stunningly beautiful, spirited, and rather melancholy. I have fallen in love with a dark, brooding, conflicted, devastatingly handsome vampire. The problems we experience are numerous. Our careers are obviously a source of conflict. Our friends—well, my friends, he doesn’t have any friends—just don’t understand us. I am in danger of being expelled from my secret society because of my taboo love. He can’t come to any of my beach volleyball tournaments. Is there hope for us? Can we possibly make this work? Is there a support group for women like me?

Lovelorn Vampire Snuffer

Dear Lovelorn:

Yes, there is a support group for women like you, but I do not recommend attending because the meetings are usually disrupted by astonishingly destructive fights over whose love is more “doomed”. Yours is a surprisingly common problem in the early 21st century. I have received letters from no fewer than 48 women this week alone, claiming to be killers, reapers, hunters or stalkers of vampires, who have all encountered some beautiful brooding male vampire and fallen hopelessly in love. I suggest that you should remember a couple of things in order to cope. First, your love is inevitable. Women always fall for vampires. They’re dead sexy, pun intended. Second, none of the conflicts that you experience in your relationship are going to matter one jot. Despite the fact that your love is “doomed” you’re going to keep at this guy regardless. So just gird your loins and cope with it, sister. It’s either him, or that mysterious guy next door who gets hairier around the full moon, right? In a pinch, you might ask your vamp to turn you into one of his kind so you can be forever joined as soulmates, but this will limit your ability to play beach volleyball.

Compassionately, romantically and practically, Eustacia

Next time, we’ll look at letters from a prehistoric romantic heroine who has been shunned by her tribe, a medieval romantic heroine who has been accused of witchcraft, and a modern romantic heroine who needs to know how to remove a salad oil stain from silk. If you are a romantic heroine and have a question for Eustacia, please feel free to submit it through Christina. Be sure to include your era, as advice may change depending on the century.