Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Bruno, Sitting In For Kendra

Hey, human playthings. What's up? I'm Bruno, and I'll be your guest blogger for today. Yeah, that's me in the picture. Don't hate me because I'm beautiful, okay? It takes long hours of relaxation to get a belly like mine. I know, I know. You wanna touch it, right? Everyone does. Lucky you, I'm into belly rubs. No poking, though. I still have my claws. The pet human chose wisely and let me keep those. Unlike some other things that I'd rather not talk about.

So normally I don't blog, being that cat humor is a little too refined for you human types. Well, and also that my claws stick in the keyboard. But I took mercy on my pet, because she's starting to look a little rough these days, muttering about something called a deadline and writing in her pajamas all day. I mean, the leopard print pajamas show very good taste, don't get me wrong, but I really need her in top condition to feed me and rub my belly and hang out with me and, uh, feed me. After a quick look at your site, here, I can see you're all just as nuts as she is (all this working, ugh), so thanks for being her support group. I don't know why she doesn't just follow my example for better living, but she's been difficult to train in that area. Oh well, more couch for me.

I can see that a lot of you have dogs. I live with a couple. I suppose I get the appeal. I mean, hey, my human's mother's dog has had the hots for me for years, and I'm okay with that (though I wish she'd get that I am not impressed by the fact that she can fit my whole head in her mouth). But there's nothing like a cat companion. Take me, for instance. I'm a paragon of felinity, the absolute pinnacle of what a cat should be. Oh, don't give me the eyeball, my human tells me what a handsome, fabulous kitty I am every day. She even says it on days when I've chewed up some of the flip flops she ccontinues to insist are hers, so she totally means it. It's not surprising that she can't keep her hands off the bod, though. I'm a purebred Siberian, which I'm told looks something like a Maine Coon, only, you know, way better. My human's mate is still complaining about how expensive I was, and I want to be like, "Hey, you wanted a cat that didn't bother people's allergies, dude. Do you hear any sneezing around here?" But he doesn't listen very well. My human seems to like him, but he doesn't toss socks at her, so that's probably why. I will never understand why he minds me tasting the chair legs. It's not like I'm chowing down or anything!

Anyway, I won't make you insanely jealous with the details of my four years with my human (deluxe scratching post, ahem), But I've gotta say, it's good to be the kitty. Especially when you're bigger than the dogs you live with. Hey, looks like I've got another nap to catch, since my human is going to sit in the big comfy chair. I know she got it because the back is such a perfect bed for me, but she seems to like it there pretty well too. She'll be wanting me to sit with her, of course. Women of all species go crazy. It's like a curse. But my human also appreciates my talent. I practically ghost wrote that Dark Highland Fire thing she's got coming out in October. I mean, yeah, it LOOKED like I was just laying on her lap while she typed, but honestly, humans can in fact absorb a little bit of cat genius through osmosis. Just a little, which is still, like, Einstein level.

No, seriously. I think they proved that a while ago.

Gotta run...well, okay, amble, because running would totally destroy this tummy I've worked so hard on...but you're very welcome for me showing up to use my mad typing skillz today. Never let it be said that I ignore my public. Drop me a comment and show some love, willya? I'll be in all day. Because she's eating ramen noodles and mumbling about plot resolution again. Though this is, I admit, far more entertaining than a laser toy. Plus I can sit still for this. Oh, wait...I sit still for the laser toy too.


P.S. Whoever wrote that Cat Star Chronicles thing, I'm bummed. That was going to be the title of my autobiography!


  1. Sorry, Bruno, the Cat Star thing was me--you know,Chewie's mom? I've got five cats, too, so you won't hold it against me, will ya?

  2. Ah I love that animals have taken over the blog!!

    Kendra, I think your cat and my cat, Bootsy, should hang out. Although I think Bruno could probably take Bootsy out--he's a fragile one, my little runt of the litter. But he's definitley that perfect level of feline snarkiness. :)

  3. *stretches and yaws*

    My God, you people get up early. No, I don't care about that three hour East Coast time difference. It's still early.

    Hmm, Cheryl...I suppose anyone who has a five cat to one dog ratio in their house can't be too bad. I'll let you slide this time.

    I think I'd like to meet this Bootsy, Danielle. I'm stuck with dogs for company...feline snark is always appreciated, and I don't discriminate against runts. I'm actually a useful friend, ya know...I have a lot of brawn to use if there's trouble. Not that I move more than I have to.

    Did I mention it's early? *yawn*


  4. Welcome Bruno!

    What a delight to have kitty snark on the blog today. Alas, Aunty has only 2 yappy little dogs who own her at the moment. No discriminating cat will put up with the pair of them, I guess. :-(

    Was it difficult for your refined kitty sensibilities to write about werewolves? I mean, seems more appropriate for a dog co-author. hmmm, have you heard if this osmosis writing thing works with dogs? My Yorkie-Unholy-Terrier spends a lot of time under my printer table. Could she be helping me?

    P.S. Good news, titles are not copyrighted so you can still use Cat Star for your autobiography. ;-)

  5. Nice to see you, Aunty Cindy. Figured I'd check the blog since I'm between naps right now. Though the trip to my food dish I just took was pretty tiring, let me tell you.

    First, my condolences on your dog situation. Yappers are tough for a cat to live with (my would-be canine girlfriend barks at everything, including furniture...I'm glad we only visit). Still, I like the sound of this Unholy Terrier you've got. If it really is part demon, you might find a cat interested in hanging out. Though, uh, between you and me, you might not want the kind of cat that would attract. Every species has its bad seeds.

    No, you're right, werewolves were DEFINITELY not my first choice for my literary debut, but, well, my human did write some of it, and she just refused to listen and make everyone a wereCAT. So I worked with what I've got. Which is one stubborn, werewolf-fixated human. She promised me we could work on something else soon, and I sure hope so, because all that stuff about howling and mangy fur agitates my hairball problem.

    If your Yorkie Unholy Terrier spends that much time under your desk, it's safe to assume that either she is lending some of her (limited) dog intelligence to you, or that she really is part demon and is busy communicating with the underworld to utilize mind control over you in an effort to take over the world. I'd say the chances are 50/50. But I'd get a cat for protection, just in case.

    Thanks for the info about copyright. I'll keep it in mind, though I'm thinking about retitling it "Bruno: Cat of Dreams". It has a nice, regal ring to it, don't you think?

    Good luck with your possible demon infestation.


  6. Oh, I'd say the YUT is a demon all right! And as far as she is concerned, she already does rule the world. :-)

    I'll keep hoping some sympathetic cat will have mercy and adopt me.


  7. Bruno, it was truly good of you to stop by and give us some of your time. I know from my cat boss Magic that cat-time is really quite in demand, that there is much sleeping, napping, dozing, dreaming, and resting to be done, and I am not being sarcastic. Magic informs me that cats must rest constantly to recover from the rigors of being beautiful and admired. Also he tells me that he is hungry and I should not be dallying here typing to another cat when his dinner needs to be served, and that he is NOT fat but voluptuous. I am honored that so many pets are making appearances on our blog lately. You humble us, really. (Magic adds to Bruno, "Forgive my person's clumsiness; she's only trying to express herself, which is not easy for them.")

  8. Magic, no harm own person falls into things regularly and curses at her keyboard a lot, so I assume that clumsiness is just something we have to cope with in humans. At least we have ones who try. Mine gets a treat when she does well. The treat being a display of my affection, of course.

    Christina, I'm glad to hear that you've come to understand many of the basic tenets of cat-dom. There is, as Magic says, no such thing as a fat cat. We are voluptuous. I myself am Rubenesque, a cat as might have been imagined by Botticelli. A cat always has pride in his size. And yes, it is extremely hard work being such perfect creatures, so naptimes must be respected and encouraged. I plan on taking at least a week to recover from blogging today. Possibly more.

    My compliments to Magic. He seems to have found himself a very good pet.


  9. Thanks for stopping in to visit today, Bruno. You and Chewie are making my Consuela quite jealous. She wants to know why SHE can't have a day on the blog. I tried to explain about the book coming out in a few weeks and how I need to be all about that for a while. She just yawned, rolled her eyes, and said, "Enough about the BOOK already. This is my LIFE we're talking about, and at 16 years old, do you KNOW how old I really am in dog years? HELLO?" Sigh... I gotta admit she has a point. Will have to give this some thought...

  10. It's clear this blog has gone to the dogs...and cats--and that's wonderful as far as i"m concerned. I've been enjoying everyone's entries.

    Sorry I haven't commented much. I'm here in spirit guys.

  11. Hi Marie,

    Consuela has reached "Grande Dame" status. I'm sorry, but you pretty much have to give her anything she wants. It's in the handbook. No, you can't see the handbook. We don't want you humans getting your hands on the secrets of how we train you.

    Mary Margret, thanks for showing some animal appreciation!

    God, is it morning again? My paws are soooo tired from typing. I think I need a nap. Or maybe a treat. If I could just figure out how to eat and nap at the same time, I would be revered as a god among my kind...I need to work on this.