Saturday, April 6, 2013

Don't forget to exercise...


In an interview someone asked me to tell them something about myself that no one knew. Well, most folks don't know that I wrote a humorous weekly newspaper column for fourteen years or that I wanted to be a race car driver at one time.

Since it's impossible for me to tell you anything about Nascar except that the cars go very very fast, maybe I'd best stick with what I know a little tiny bit about...writing...which burns very little calories, almost no fat grams and hasn't even managed to keep my fingers skinny.

I was looking at a magazine in the doctor's office last week and saw an article about folks who sit in front of a computer every day needing to exercise more and eat less. Well, duh! That's nothing new. I wrote about folks needing exercise a decade ago in one of those afore mentioned columns. Surprising enough it still rings true and it went like this...

Everything I read about folks who are prone to heart problems keeps harping on and on and on about exercise. Well, there’s nothing to exercising. Just hop out there and walk a couple of miles and it’s done. I hopped out there. I nearly died walking a couple of miles. Surely there was something a little more tailored to my fat cells.

I moaned and groaned. I said unkind words about the gene pool I’ve been swimming in since before my momma birthed me. My daughter finally got tired of the tirade and gave me her fitness machine. It’s supposed to give a person a total cardio-vascular workout with low impact. My fat cells liked the idea of low impact. They thought it meant something easy.

The little machine didn’t look so formidable. Somewhat like a bicycle with a big handle bar. Couldn’t be all that difficult to master.

The machine sat there for several days before I realized that I had to use it before it would help me. I’d hoped that just owning it and having it out for all the world to see might be enough. But it wasn’t.

I got on it for a trial run, grabbed the front bars, put my feet on the pedals and pushed and pulled just like I was supposed to. Well, that was easy enough. Actually there was nothing to it. I could easily fall in instant love with low impact exercising if that’s all there was to it. I could exercise right beside the air conditioner vent once a day and my heart would last forever.

On Monday morning ... all programs having to do with diet or exericing must begin on Monday morning or they never work ... I put on some good  country music and began my twenty minutes of cardio-vascular low impact working out. After two minutes my heart was beating fast enough to tell me that I sure didn’t want to attempt anything with a high impact. At the three minute mark my shins began to complain. The old heart and shin bones could fuss until they put up a snow cone stand in Hades. I was determined to stay with it.

At six minutes all the moisture had been low-impacted out of my body. My mouth felt like it had been swabbed out with cotton. If I would have had to spit to get into the Pearly Gates I would have been in big trouble. At ten minutes I decided half a workout of low impact was good enough to start with. I drank a gallon of water before I was able to answer Husband’s questions about the machinery.

“It’s a piece of cake,” I said. “Low impact. Nothing to it. You try it.”

Evidently he didn’t believe me. He hasn’t grabbed those bars like a long lost brother and started to give his heart a total cardio work out yet.

Through the weeks I’ve discovered just how much I hate that machine, sitting there in all it’s self-righteous, mocking glory. I’m up to twenty minutes but my knees still feel like jelly when I’m finished. I’ve found out, too, that I have to exercise early in the morning or my brain will figure out what I’m doing and find a dozen other more pleasant things to do. Like cleaning the toilet or washing down woodwork or going to the dentist.

According to statistics, for every mile you run, or twenty minutes that you do a low-impact cardiovascular glider you add one minute to your life. Not much compensation for worrying about whether or not I’ll have enough spit in my mouth to answer the questions to get me through the Pearly Gates or not. But then when I added up the minutes, it was kind of impressive how many years I could extend my life by just twenty minutes of fighting with the machine every day.

By faithful exercise I could live to be 100 years old. That means that I can spend an additional five to six years in a nursing home at the rate of $5000 dollars per month. Yep, they can haul my low impact machine to the nursing home and set it up in my room. By then I will have a close friendship with the thing. I may not know my children or my grandchildren but I’ll demand twenty minutes on my machine every day. When I die it is in my will that they have to bury me with a water bottle ... just in case.
 
And now 10 years later I find this to motivate a woman to work at exercising a little more. Ain't technology great?
 
If you had a high powered exercise machine like that in your bedroom would you get any writing done at all?

23 comments:

  1. That is too funny, Carolyn! I need to get me one of those. :)

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  2. Terry: It puts a whole new meaning to exercise.

    To everyone: I'm trying a brand new idea today. I posted on my FB pages that everyone who commented on the Casa post between now and tomorrow night gets their name in the boot for a chance to win an ARC of Billion Dollar Cowboy. We'll see if it generates some traffic!

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  3. Shoot, Carolyn. Now if you were giving away the REAL Billion Dollar Cowboy, and I don't mean the book about him...we'd have a whole lot of takers! And commenters. LOL :)

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  4. Omg your are to funny! I hate exercising I get mine at the barn. I walk to the barn 2 times a day! I brush and feed the horses. That's pretty active with 8 horses! Thanks for the giveaway ! Can't wait to read it!

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  5. Loved the article!! I'm not very good when incomes to exercising, the only thing that could ever keep me in shape would be the Zumba dance!!!

    Teresa.bautista@me.com

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  6. OH! This blogs look great and quite effective it will help people to stay away from diseases.

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  7. Terry, LOL..betcha would would!

    Zippy: Sounds like you stay pretty busy there even without a pink exercise bike.

    Teresa: I'm so clumsy I bet the Zumba teacher would through me out on the first day of class.

    Richard: It might help heart disease but then that fellow doing the dance might give a woman a heart attack! LOL! I guess is six of one and half dozen of the other as Granny used to tell me.

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  8. Terry...my fingers aren't warmed up and my brain hasn't had enough coffee...that should read... Betcha it would!

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  9. Carolyn , I loved your article,We bought a exercise bike a couple of years ago and it was trying to become a clothes hanger no room to exercise on so we finally put it in the basement with all our other good ideas.
    I love the way you write!!Your the best. Have a great weekend

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  10. Kathy, Husband says that's the primary purpose behind buying exercise equipment every time I think I've got to have the newest and best thing on the market. Thanks for stopping by and for reading my books!

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  11. Well...I have a treadmill that sits at the foot of my bed, about six feet from my desk. Haven't been on it in months. I think I'd have to have a real-live stripper to get me on it.

    Sad, but true...

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  12. Yep, I've got one of those infernal machines, too. I figured spending all that money on it would force me to exercise, but so far - no dice. I think mine's related to yours, because mine's self-righteous and mocking, too!

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  13. Yep, I've got one of those infernal machines, too. I figured spending all that money on it would force me to exercise, but so far - no dice. I think mine's related to yours, because mine's self-righteous and mocking, too!

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  14. Cheryl, my eyes are lighting up just thinking about one of your cover models!

    Joanne, me, too! I thought if I spent that much money I would be forced to use it or feel guilty. Decided feeling guilty wasn't so bad!

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  15. Great video...it ALMOST makes me want to exercise but I still am quite happy watching it more than doing it myself!

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  16. Elf...yes, ma'am! It is more fun to watch!

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  17. Loving the video its great! I would definitely work out if that was the case!

    orangeestrella2@hotmail.com

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  18. Carolyn this article made me laugh and laugh! I feel the exact same about exercising! I just dont think me and exercising make a good pair! o well!


    haveyouseenmyfriend@gmail.com

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  19. Anonymous at haveyouseenmyfriend is the winner of the signed ARC...Congratulations and thank you all for the comments!

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  20. I read a statistic the other day that sobered: How much you exercise does not predict your cardio vascular risk nearly as accurately as how little you sit.

    Put another way: Sitting is the new smoking. The longer you sit at one pop, the worse it is for you.

    My solution: I get up an have a snack frequently.

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  21. I have to exercise outside. If I'm inside, it's way too boring.

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  22. Grace...I LOVE IT! Walking to the refrigerator then qualifies as exercise.

    Shana...it's all boring to me! LOL

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  23. Carolyn, this was just hat I needed this morning. I think it's time to do some yoga!

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