Saturday, January 5, 2013

The Joys of Being a Nobody

Standing in the grocery store checkout, I can’t help but notice the tabloids headlines and wonder: 

Will poor Taylor Swift ever find love? 

Why must Kim Kardashian choose between her mother and her baby’s daddy? 

Who do those dimpled thighs belong to?   

What does Suri Cruise wear to the zoo? 

And most importantly, do inquiring minds really want to know this stuff?

I mean, in the good ol’ days we had real tabloid stories like 86-year-old women giving birth to aliens, Elvis working as a carnie at the Nebraska State Fair, and pictures of the world’s smallest woman marrying Big Foot. (First time I saw him, I thought ‘Great hair and wow! Look at the size of those feet.’ *eyebrow waggle*) Okay. I made these stories up but so did the old tabloid writers. In fact, I’m pretty sure they are still writing fiction most of the time, although there does seem to be a plethora of celebrities' unnamed “close friends” spilling the beans. Maybe they're the ones making up the stories. 

Even though I roll my eyes at today’s tabloid headlines, they make me feel a little better about being a nobody. When I see stories about celebrities’ weights, relationship failures, and embarrassing moments, being a regular person suddenly seems like a blessing. 

Let’s face it. No way would I EVER wear a swimsuit again knowing my less than perfect celeb thighs might be plastered on the front of a glossy magazine. Here’s a little theory I have: If I can’t see cellulite, it doesn’t exist. Hence the reason I squint when trying on clothes in dressing rooms with 3 way mirrors. Don't shatter my fantasy.
What a cutie pie!
Just imagine if we were all under the same scrutiny celebrities experience. I could never retrieve something from my car in my slippers on a bad hair day. Our neighbor could never again check his mail while wearing nothing but long johns, which I could live with now that I think about it. A former neighbor couldn't run outside topless in a panic when she doesn't spot her kids through the window. (Yes, we've lived in interesting neighborhoods. My husband wonders why he never sees hysterical topless neighbors. Call me lucky.)

I could never go out to eat again, because someone would snap a picture of me dribbling food on my shirt or smiling with a piece of spinach in my teeth. I couldn’t practice my mad dance skills while vacuuming with the shades up.

What I'm imagining when I clean house
Gone would be the days of nodding off in a really, really boring meeting or singing “Jessie’s Girl” at the top of my lungs anytime it plays on the radio.

Even when the stars look like they’re living The Life, they are under a microscope. All things considered, I’m thankful that I’m a regular nobody, just like my friends and family. 

So... would you like to be a celebrity? What would make your cringe if it showed up on a magazine cover? (You can tell me. After all, I'm your "close friend".)


  1. Samantha, this is tooo funny! I loved it! My mom and dad were on a snorkeling trip when an Italian peeled off his diving suit, nothing on underneath it. On the beach, a woman was lying there tanning and dad asked mom to go ask her for the time. She was so tanned, mom didn't even know she was topless until she got close. She could have killed dad. Dad wished he'd gone instead!

    I remember an author once saying she got on a plane and the stewardesses were agog and moved her to first class. They were whispering and frowning, and finally one told her she was nobody. But she insisted she was somebody--a mother and wife and daughter and author. Just not a really famous (celebrity) somebody. :)

  2. No desire for fame. Fortune, however, is a different story. ;)

  3. Great observations, Samantha!
    Since my one and only NYC cocktail party, I've learned not to trust food that may explode in my hand.

    But can you imagine a camera right there, ready to capture my embarassing moment?

  4. Terry,
    That's so funny about your parents! One of my co-workers was on a trip in Europe - I forget where - and she and her husband decided to throw caution to the wind and bathe nude on a nude beach. They cautiously disrobed and were just getting used to the idea when a guy came down from a restaurant overlooking the beach to tell them the nude beach was down a little further. LOL. Talk about mortifying!!! :D

    And good point. We all are somebodys, even if we aren't famous.

  5. Cheryl,

    I'm with you! I'll welcome fortune with open arms. :)

  6. Ashlyn,

    Hahaha... I wonder if the chefs do that on purpose. ;D

  7. OMG, that is too funny, Samantha!!! How EMBARRASSING!!!!!

  8. I'm with Cheryl - fame, no. But a fortune would be nice!

    I did some celebrity research for my first book, TASTE ME, which features a siren rock star who loves what she does, but wants nothing to do with fandom. In almost every interview I read, the celebrity in question said they regretted their lost anonymity, that they didn't value it highly enough until it was gone.

  9. Funny. We lived in Europe for 18 years. What hoot to watch some tourists.

    I want the fortune part, then I want to be like Eloisa James. She's only been recognized once in 19 years.

  10. Tammy,
    What interesting research, and a fun idea for a story. It seems like it's often the case that we don't realize how valuable something is until we don't have it anymore.

  11. Hi, Ella.
    Thanks for stopping by today. It would definitely be cool to be EJ. Only you would be EQ. :)

  12. So funny. I feel sorry for kids, because of cell phone cameras. If my friends had recorded everything we did, then I would have been grounded for life. I don't want to be a celebrity. I like to move the garbage cans back in from the curb, wearing my fuzzy bathrobe.

  13. Gayle,
    I hear ya. I'm also glad we didn't have cell phones when I was a kid, except I would have loved to have my friend doing her Flash Gordon dance recorded. It was hilarious!

  14. Great post, Samantha! I have often thought how glad I am not to have paparazzi snapping a shot as I wander around the yard collecting the dogs' little presents. Can't imagine having to be glamorous 24/7just in case!