Thursday, February 26, 2009

Chumley Masticar’s 10 Rules for Dating

Hello, everyone!

You may remember me (and how could you possibly forget me, I ask you) from my previous post where I introduced Reel and Erica from Judi Fennell’s debut novel, In Over Her Head, which is soon to hit stores and is available for pre-order with all fine internet vendors.

I’ve been asked (by whom shall remain confidential) to share my tips on Mer dating. Specifically male Mer dating, or as you Humans like to call them: mermen. (Psst! They prefer Mer men. And birds are now asking to be called avians, of all things. Sheesh. Just don’t call me Late For Dinner and I’m a happy swimmer.)

But I digress.

Below I’ve listed my Top 10 Rules for dating. Learn them, live them, love them.

1) Stick to your own species. I’m not saying race, but s-p-e-c-i-e-s. That means, if you’ve got a dorsal fin, she better have a dorsal fin. If she’s got eight tentacles, you should at least be in the ballpark with six. Same thing for a Mer with legs. Being that there aren’t that many of you, go for a Human. Same species, different race, works well together.

2) First dates should NOT consist of life-threatening adventures—unless you’ve got a trident up your sleeve. Problem is, if you’re Mer, you don’t have sleeves. So adventures are a bad idea.

3) Nudity is not optional. It’s flat-out prohibited. All sorts of interesting things can happen if you show up nude. Just ask Erica about her and Reel’s first grown-up meeting.

4) Do not feed your American Human date Ulva lactuca. Sea lettuce may be a delicacy in some Human countries, but the US isn’t one of them. Snails are also an acquired taste.

5) Teach your starfish manners when having a Human guest in your home. Rudeness is not to be tolerated.

6) If you’re going to take your Human home to meet the family, you might want to give everyone a heads-up on acceptable behavior. Badgering the date is never a good idea. Insults aren’t so good either. Shrimp cocktail? Very good idea.

7) Introducing your Human date to a jealous sea monstress is not a good idea. Forget whatever it is anyone tells you about it being a good idea; it’s not. All sorts of things can happen: indecent proposals, jail time, loss of body parts… just ick.

8) Old myths have been around forever for a reason. Remember the old “don’t believe it until you see it”? Sometimes, given the circumstances, you might want to believe it before you see it.

9) Chivalry is not dead. It might cause you to end up dead, but it, itself, is not. Remember that.

10) And, finally, if you find yourself on a deserted island, with the perfect weather, abundant food and all the privacy you want, I say, “Go for it!”

This has been a Public Service Announcement and is intended solely as a dating guide for sea creatures. You Humans have enough issues as it is; I don’t intend to add to them.

Oh, and take a look at In Over Her Head where you’ll see how well Reel followed these rules. (Hint: not very.)


  1. Hi Chum~

    Welcome back and thanks for the informative post. I can't wait to read IOHH--you do play a staring roll in it, don't you?

    I wish I'd have known about you when I was single. I'd have jumped right in if I knew you'd give me the rules and 'hook me up' with a hot mer man like Reel.

    Robin :)

  2. Darling, imaginative, original!

    Something to smile over. :-)

  3. Wow, I really enjoyed this, Judi. It made my morning. And such a very clever marketing tool. A great idea. Really enticing, really clever, really Mer.

  4. Chum, you are, well, a chum! I can't wait to see how well Reel follows these rules! And missing body parts? Judi, you know how I feel about body parts in jars!

  5. Hehehe, great post.

    Looking forward to reading!

  6. Ah, so he shows up nude for the first date, huh? Sounds like my kind of guy!
    Fun stuff, Judi! Looking forward to reading!

  7. That's too funny. You've definitely piqued my interest. Though I wouldn't want to be in their shoes---or rather fins. Looking forward to the release date.

  8. It's post like this that make it very hard for me to keep my "read the authors' book in release order" rule in tact... I can't wait to read In Over Her Head!!!

  9. Dearest Robin, Thank you so much for your kind welcome. And, alas sweet lady, if I had known you when you were single, my dear, we would have broken all the rules!

    Mary Margaret - oh, you do say the sweetest things woman! *blushing (and that's a hard thing to get a remora to do, let me tell you!)

    Ah, Kathryn - it may be Mer, but it's also "me." ;]

    Kat, my dear, we (that would be the collective "we") knew JUST how much you'd like the body parts. And I consider you a "chum" as well. (Did I tell you about that pirate treasure I found recently? mmm... very nice. Sparkly.)

    Thank you, Jenn. And what do you want with "MeMeMe?" Something lascivious perhaps? Hmmm... ;}

    Cheryl - thought you might like that ;} (geez, I'm doing a lot of winking this morning!)

    Ah, Teresa - you punny, punny lady, you!

    Danielle - we'll just have to get you to read faster. I think you should have a chat with your boss - take the day off to simply read all the books. Surely that's job-related, right?

    Thank you everyone, for stopping by. I'll be back later to check up on things. Right now there's this really cute angel fish over by the sand pond who looks a little lonely...

  10. And very important dating rules they are too! I have a few creatures who need these.


  11. Chum? Are you saying Reel got tangled up with the sea Monstress? They had an affaire? I'm shocked, I tell you! For shame. (I don't suppose we could get any of the juicier tales on this could we, Chum? I have Shrimp cocktails....)

    No wonder she wanted body parts and hates Erica. Woman scorned and all that.

    I, for one, want to hear more about this deserted island adventure....

  12. I needed a dating refresher course, since it's been 23 years since I've dipped in the pool with anyone other than my DH.

    Thanks for the fun!

    Best--Adele Dubois

  13. Sounds super fun! (I love real fairy tales--the warm, fuzzy--oops in this case-bubbly kind!) Look forward to reading it!

  14. Yeah, I'm with Sia. More deserted island, please!

  15. Very good advice for either race Chum.

    Exactly where is this island?

  16. Judi,

    I can hardly wait to read the rest!

    Dana S.

  17. Ah, Chum. I'm take issue with 3. Nudity can be very liberating on a first date.

  18. I read this before it got posted somehow, don't know how, but I got a great laugh. I'm thinking about werewolf etiquette. Some rules just need to be broken. :)

    But...back to fishy type it!This applies to Pisces and Aquarius types too, doesn't it?

  19. Hi Chum! You sound like a very well-mannered Remora, I must say:-)

    Question: is rudeness in starfish usually a problem? And what does a sea monstress look like, anyway? I'm picturing Ursula, but I kind of doubt that's on the mark.

    Glad you stopped by!

  20. Ah such excellent advice. Thanks for the smiles and looking forward to the book.

  21. Great rules and enjoyable read. Can't wait to read the book.

  22. Great tips! Always nice to hear the man's.. er, Mer man's... point of view.


  23. I'm thinking Ariel (Little Mermaid) and Eric would have had a much smoother relationship if Ariel had known Chumley's rules or she knew how to re-route oxgyen systems. ;) Not sure Disney would have made as much money, though.
    Can't wait to read the rest of the story and see how Erica fares with Chumley's rules.

  24. Thanks for the heads up on watching out for tentacles and suckers when considering the Mer option. Husband might not like the idea, but since he's not much of a swimmer I think I can pull it off. If I keep it under the sea :)

    Chumley is charming, I'll have to keep an eye on him.

    We want IOHH, June is so far off. *pouts

  25. Great dating tips! This cracked me up, bigtime! Very, very clever -- and especially useful if I ever give up land-loving.

  26. My dear Chumley, (may I call you Chum?)

    You are such a true friend to Reel & Erica, a delightful companion in every way. But you deserve your own showcase. And your own love story. Tell me, will you ever find true love for yourself? Or maybe you already have and are simply too reticent to share with us.

    Love & kisses to you.

  27. Dewar Chumley,

    I have so enjoyed your post. I'm sure they will be most helpful to those dating. I can't wait to read the whole story when the book arrives.