Sunday, August 17, 2008

Eustacia's Romance Corner

Eustacia’s Romance Corner is a column for romantic heroines of all genres, wishing to seek romantic, compassionate and practical advice for their problems. This week’s letters share a common thread, involving a couple of lucky behavioral standards for romantic heroines.

Dear Eustacia,

I'm a contemporary single woman recovering from my latest break-up with Mr. Wrong. My problem is the dead body that just turned up in my begonia patch. Yup, it's Mr. Wrong and he looks to be dead for 12-14 hours and I don't have an alibi since I was watching chick flicks and eating ice cream with my cat for the past 48 hours! Please give me some advice!


Dear Anonymous:

Naturally you are innocent; romantic heroines do not kill people except in self-defense, and very rarely in that instance. Have you told the investigators that you are a romantic heroine? Well, don’t worry. I am going to send you three phone numbers in a separate email because I don’t want these gentlemen inundated with calls. The first is for a brilliant, handsome, honest lawyer. He will take your case and defend you tooth and nail, believing completely in your innocence except for the times when his doubt will create tension for a hot sex scene. The second is for a handsome, brave but hardened detective, who broods a lot but has great passion for his job. He will investigate the case and will probably initially suspect that you are guilty, except for the times when his intuition that you are innocent will create tension for a hot sex scene. The third number is for a gardening expert I know who is not particularly handsome but can help you fix the damage to your begonias. The tension of being a murder suspect is uncomfortable, but it is an excellent playing field for finding true love and I have no doubt that you will do so.

Compassionately, romantically and practically, Eustacia

Dear Eustacia,
I am 18, and engaged to a very sweet boy who has been a neighbor all my life. I recently traveled by ship across the ocean to visit my maiden aunt and we were attacked by pirates. I was gagged, bound and held captive for several days before a sea captain rescued me. He is very handsome and makes my heart beat in a way that my fiancé never could. He wants to marry me so that my honor will not be questioned. How do I tell my intended? I don't want to hurt him. I am so confused.


Dear Anonymous:

I am relieved by the relative simplicity of your problem, which requires only my assurance rather than any practical advice. In my previous response, I reminded the writer that romantic heroines do not kill people. Nor do they break hearts. Therefore if fate has led you into the arms of this handsome sea captain, it is logically impossible for your fiancé truly to be “in love” with you. If he really is a “sweet boy,” he respects and admires you, he cares for you as a best friend and/or a sister, and he is marrying you out of the obligation he feels for promises made. When you tell him you are not going through with the marriage he will be surprised but secretly relieved, because he’s probably in love with some wallflower who will blossom under his affection, and the two of them will remain your close friends forever. If he is not actually a sweet boy and you have been duped by his ruse, he is not in love with you but is in fact trying to get his hands on your family’s land or money or a secret buried treasure somewhere on the estate, and when you break it off, he may try to kill you, the sea captain, or someone else you care about. A hostage situation may come into play, and I am sorry because I’m sure that you’re dead tired of being bound and gagged from that pirate incident. In this second case, rest assured that your pluckiness and your sea captain will prevail.

Compassionately, romantically and practically, Eustacia

If you are a romantic heroine and have a question for Eustacia, please feel free to submit it through Christina. Be sure to include your era, as advice may change depending on the century.

17 comments:

  1. OMG, this was hilarous!!! LOVED it.
    Personally, give me the brooding detective. I luuuuuv brooding heroes. And pirates....um, yeah, I could be bound for days by one of those hunky ones...with good dental hygiene, of course.

    Okay, now I'm going to work with a happy face.

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  2. You know, the dental hygiene thing was Captain Jack Sparrow's only flaw. Otherwise, well, okay, so he was a cad and a scoundrel, but we all love them, too!
    I'm so conflicted, Eustacia! Should I go with Jack, or Will Turner?

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  3. Hmm, 'tis a sea captain, me hearties, not a pirate.

    Question is, do you want a man whose away for long stretches of time, giving lots of (cough) elbow room, or the guy that's always at your elbow?

    LOL

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  4. Oh ladies, the whole thing with the sea captain, or the pirate, is that you get to be on the boat with him. Which is lovely, if you don't get seasick. I know I speak for Eustacia when I say that first, romantic heroes always have remarkably good dental hygiene, and second, once they fall for a romantic heroine, they either take her on all the voyages or they suddenly stop needing to take all those voyages (this will depend on how much the heroine wants to travel the world). So you can have your cake, and eat it too.

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  5. Charlotte - I am completely in agreementon the brooding detectives. I love'em every time.

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  6. Dear Eustacia,

    First let me tell you how excited I am that someone is doing an "advice for romantic heroines" column. Too frequently, we find ourselves alone in the world and with no one to turn to.

    You, at least, will understand just how hard it is to be beautiful and rich, and to be persued only by fortune hunters. Is that unfair or what?

    Or to beautiful and rich and be captured by a pirate. That's just wrong, because the only reason we were on the ship was to escape from the slimy earl who only wanted our fortunes.

    Or to be beautiful and rich and have to go to balls all the time when you'd rather read a book, be an actress, or join the army.

    Once she's in the clutches of a romance writer, a romantic heroine's lot is not a happy one.You are offering a much needed service.

    Sincerly,
    Emmie Caddington, PhD
    (Whose life has improved in some ways--at least my writer has rid me of my fashion phobia--but really, did she have to throw me in the path of a SEAL with a score to settle?)

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  7. If you can have your cake and eat it too, can you also have your rake and eat him too? I'm just wondering.... LOL Sorry Eustacia, the question was just burning to be asked! Love your columns and look forward to your practical, compassionate wisdom. All heroines should run their problems thru your romantic filter before they do bubble-headed things that turn them into stereotypes. Well done and hilarious as always!

    Written from a deck overlooking the ocean in HEAVEN!

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  8. Ohmigosh, I get seasick. I never thought of it, but I'll have to forgo the pirate. Hmmm, a Highlander hunk on Scottish soil will be nice though....

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  9. Dear Dr. Caddington,

    I have forwarded your thought-provoking comments to Eustacia. It seems you and she may be kindred souls. Being rich and beautiful is a terrible burden (or so I've heard, anyhoo) but really the most treacherous pitfall for a romantic heroine is to become a stereotype. Please stay in touch, with us, and with that SEAL.

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  10. Hi, Marie. Yes, you can have your rake and eat him too. And vice versa, if I may be so bold.

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  11. Hi Terry. Highlanders are always a very good choice, and I get seasick too, so I may be joining you on those rolling green hills.

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  12. Cheryl,
    Will Turner? Meh. Eustacia's advice is, "Never date a man who is prettier than you."

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  13. Ah, Eustacia, you are a very wise woman. Who needs Ann Landers? This is the type of solid, useful, daily advice that we romantic heroines deperately need. Keep it coming!

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  14. I'm all for the brooding detective too. I don't get sea sick but I have a thing for the modern conveniences of today's yachts. I'll take a 60 to 80 foot sailboat with a handsome captain (my domestic god will have to learn to sail), a chef (because every domestic god needs a break), and satellite capability so I can write my next book and communicate with all the Casa sisters.

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  15. Sharon, I thank you, and Eustacia thanks you. I am lucky to have her as my frequent guest blogger; she's very mysterious and elusive.

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  16. Robin, I have to agree about the modern conveniences on the yacht. History is very romantic indeed, but I need my TV and hot water. Still, I think Eustacia's advice applies because once kidnapped at sea, rescue can still come on an 80-foot yacht, and fiances can still get dumped. Some things are timeless.

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  17. Eustacia, I was wondering if you could follow up on the status of the investigation into the corpse in the flowers? I am thinking I might have witnessed something. Has the detective been told that the romantic heroine has a very jealous, less beautiful step-sister with not as pretty a name???

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