By Leah Hultenschmidt, Senior Editor
We all know the importance of a great hook expressed in the query letter--that's what's going to get me psyched (or not) about reading the manuscript. But for every single submission, even if I'm not entirely jazzed by query, I always want to to give the writing a look. And those first couple of paragraphs can make all the difference in the world. I want to see something compelling enough to keep reading. Depending on the story, that interest can come in all kinds of ways. Is there a character doing something interesting? Is there humorous dialogue? Is there some kind of tease that makes me want to know more? Or is the hero just so hot and delicious I can't tear my eyes away?
As Tamara was discussing earlier, a lot of authors use prologues to jump immediately into an action scene and then start chapter one a number of years later. That only works if chapter one stays just as interesting--and I'll gladly skip ahead a little to find out.
Overdone openings to avoid:
- waking up--unless there's something supremely unusual about the process
- a deathbed confession
- a birth
- the classic combo of 2 &3 with a mother dying in childbirth
- a killer's POV--this is done a lot in romantic suspense and some paranormal, so much so that it often loses its chilling effect for me
Category: Paranormal romance
Pitch: A woman in desperate needs makes a wish to the goblin king she read about in fairy tales, but will she be willing to pay the price of summoning him and become his queen?
The summons pulled at every cell in his body, tearing the bonds that held his body together and dragging him from the Shadowlands. He fought the compulsion to answer, as he did every time. And lost. As he did every time. The urge to obey his summoner’s orders he’d tamped down long ago. Yet he attended, as he did every time.
The beads in his hair jangled and chimed, lifted on the breeze created as he moved from one world to the next, like golden music in his ears. He moved into the Fixed Realm wrapped in shadows to hide from the eyes of his would-be-commander. Then he paused and looked around.
A bedroom. Not the first he’d been summoned to. The only light spilled from the nearby bathroom. His nose wrinkled at the smell of wet dog and wine. He frowned. No summoner stood before him, demanding an audience with the Goblin King. The human who’d called him from the Shadowlands and sought to control him lay on the floor at the foot of the bed. Immobile. Wounded. Female.
The goblin kept his hand on his sword and stepped forward. As he did the shadows sloughed off him and slid away to the corners of the bedroom. The tension in his skin eased as the compulsion to obey faded. He’d attended; he could leave. Yet he couldn’t look away.
So now it's your turn. Using the format above--category, 1-2 sentence pitch, first four paragraphs--so me what you've got. Through today and the weekend, I'll take a look at everything posted by midnight EST tonight and give feedback.
I can't wait to see your great beginning!
Leah, thank you for your thoughts and comments. I appreciate you taking the time to review my work!
ReplyDeleteKim
Hi Leah! *waving*
ReplyDeleteThanks for the feedback! I appreciate all your time!
So glad to see you found a great new publishing home...
Lisa :)
Anon--Very catchy opening line, and I do like that we're left to wonder what exactly is going on between these two. But there was just a little something missing here for me. I wasn't sure whether I was supposed to like this guy or not. If he's the hero, I need some details that make me fall in love with him. If he's not, then I need more on the heroine. I have to want to read more about at least one of them. It sounds as though you have an interesting setup but just need a little polish on the characters here.
ReplyDeleteSherri--I like the reflections we're getting from your heroine here. And the last line of the selection definitely made me smile. But I was sure about a couple of points. Is she on a random construction site? She saw the half-built house and pulled over to wander through? If so, that seemed odd to me. Or does site have meaning to her somehow? If so, we should hear about it sooner. I'd also recommend taking a hard look at the second sentence. Grammatically, it's fine, but it felt a bit awkward to me. From the pitch it sounds as though you have a story a number of readers would be able to relate to. Just make sure there's some good conflict, too.
ReplyDeleteSharon W--The most intriguing thing we've got in this selection is the angel warrior. If I hadn't read your pitch, I would have thought this was a paranormal featuring him. You might want to consider tightening here or starting somewhere different so we get a little more sense of the mystery and tension right off the bat.
ReplyDeleteAbigail S--I love the small details you've included to give us an immediate sense of the mother--her Mont Blanc pen, the fact that they're having tea. And the opening line is a great hook to reading more. But I'm not sure I get the same sense of the heroine. And it's hard to relate when she announces she seems to be with a guy she has no intention of settling down with. Although your pitch is nice and tight, I didn't understand exactly what it meant. A marital rodeo? You might want to give just a little more there.
ReplyDeleteLiz F--You've done a nice job here of not trying to make us figure out too many characters all at once, a common difficulty when it comes to novels about a group of friends. And I do like the humor. From your pitch, I wasn't sure exactly what the force driving the story was going to be. Even in women's fiction--which has looser rules than romance--you need a main hook. Where are we going to go with these characters?
ReplyDeleteJackie F--There are a lot of school-for-paranormal-teens stories out there, so I'm going to be looking hard for what differentiates yours. But I like what we've got here in the opening, so please do send a query in the body of an email with the full ms and synopsis attached as Word doc to leah.hultenschmidt[at]sourcebooks.com.
ReplyDeleteJennie B--Oh wow. With a good foot of snow on the ground here, I definitely wanted to be right in this story. The description is lovely and fresh without being overbearing. I want to read more. Please send a query in the body of an email with the full ms and synopsis attached as Word doc to leah.hultenschmidt[at]sourcebooks.com.
ReplyDeleteKendall G--Very nice opening with lots of action and an easy voice to read. But I think the pitch itself is going to be a tough one to get readers hooked on. While a fresh paranormal trait, talking to whales isn't as universally helpful as reading minds or telekinesis or ability to start fire--something more people would be able to see how it could be helpful/interesting in their own lives. Something to think about...
ReplyDeleteCrista--I'm a total sucker for assassins (ask Deb!) and the first two paragraphs felt as though they could have been an opening scene in "Alias," another big bonus point. But the third paragraph crossed the line for me. I think any kind of torture/rape is hard to take in a romance. Suddenly, I don't want to be in this woman's shoes at all. Even knowing that she'll get out and be ok, it's difficult to try to relate to anyone who's gone through such horrible things. But if you are able to tone down the violence, I would be interested in seeing your submission.
ReplyDeleteDenise--Oooh, very dramatic. I like it. There's obviously a lot of tension and a very definitely situation driving the story forward. Even knowing he must eventually escape, I want to know how. And who killed his wife. Please send a query in the body of an email with the full ms and synopsis attached as Word doc to leah.hultenschmidt[at]sourcebooks.com.
ReplyDeletePaula--I'm not sure exactly how this story will work out (is a guy constantly trying to commit suicide going to be attractive?), but I'm intrigued enough to want to read more. Please send a query in the body of an email with the full ms and synopsis attached as Word doc to leah.hultenschmidt[at]sourcebooks.com.
ReplyDeletePamala Owldreamer--Since the pitch came in before deadline, I'll give this one a quick review. I was unclear on the pitch--who is the hero here? We've got the heroine and the villain, but where does the romance come into play? In the actual opening, work on making sure all the characters are well-rounded and give the reader someone they can identify with and want to read more about (this is why it can be tough to start from the villain's POV).
ReplyDeleteOk, folks--I think that covers everyone who submitted before midnight EST. If I somehow missed your post in the fray, shoot me an email and I'll come back and fill it in. If you missed the deadline for this one, there will be other opportunities. Deb or I usually have some kind of pitch slam every few months. Keep an eye on the blog here, or over at romanticreading.net, which I promise I'll be better about updating.
ReplyDeleteThank you again to everyone posted!
Category: Contemporary Romance
ReplyDeletePitch: An ex-con has-been actor takes a deal for early parole as a television reality show host, rather than remain in prison where another convict wants to finish killing him. Stuck in an assignment that expects his former celebrated renegade persona, he struggles to prove he is a changed man, to himself and to the set housekeeper, a grounded young woman who's captured him through kindness but who doesn't want to get involved with yet another troubled man she's sure will break her heart.
When I go down to the kitchen in the morning, there is this godawful sound. I mean godawful. There is this -- this person -- there, just on the other side of the kitchen, at the opening to a hallway, singing Joan Jett at the top of her lungs -- badly, too -- swinging what could possibly be hips in time with the words.The reason I say possibly hips is because she is wearing these loose, worn jeans under a hideously plaid flannel shirt, scrawny pale arms sticking out where there should be sleeves. No discernable body shape. I conclude she is a girl only because of the brightly tie-dyed scarf wrapped over her hair, tied at the crown of her head with the tail ends sticking up like these weird tiny bunny ears. Also because even the fruitiest of fruitboys I've ever met doesn't sing that badly.
Considering for a moment that this could be the first of many tests brought on by the ridiculous situation I've opted into, I decide the best course of action is to ignore her and just locate my case of Fiji water. My head is pounding like it will split in two, my throat is raw from the dry air in the house. I just want the water I've been contractually promised so I can wash down the aspirin I'm permitted to take per my parole board list of how-to-carefully-and-respectfully-run-my-friggin'-life-outside. Logically, I think, I go for the fridge.
Nothing. So not cool. That means my Fiji water, wherever it's been stocked, is not going to be cold. I have always preferred it cold. Icy, in fact. The girl turns in the hall where she's swaying and flicks a switch and the extremely painful sounds of a vacuum motor surge up. She sings louder, drifting out of my sight. I clutch one side of my head with one hand and start opening cabinet doors around the kitchen, discovering dishes, glasses, pots, pans, pancake mixes, spices, Folgers' (I won't be drinking that), soups, applesauce -- you get the picture. No Fiji water.
The vacuum dies with this weird squealing sound that is definitely not right. She interrupts her chorus of "I hate myself for lovin' you" in order to kick it a few times, muttering under her breath. I take my hand off my head, feeling the pounding more with my eardrums now. Vacuum starts again. Stops again. Starts. Stops. I can tell by the kicking and the softly uttered curses somebody is not feeling ladylike. The vacuum roars back to life.
Leah, thank you for your request.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Leah, for this opportunity!
ReplyDeleteCategory: Paranormal Romance
Pitch: In an effort to save the ailing civilization of Holokan, Luc McAllister has been assigned an Earth woman to woo and wed, for the express purpose of creating a new and improved hybrid race of people. But when his renegade brother usurps Luc’s place, taking the woman for his own, Luc will do whatever is necessary to assume his rightful place in Maggie’s life and in her world.
The crows were back. Dozens of them. Clustered along the electrical wires like dark smudges against the sky, shifting continuously and piercing the air with an occasional high-pitched caawk. And as always, observing the world around them with a keen, almost human intensity.
Just like yesterday.
And the day before that.
And the day before that.
An unseasonably warm breeze blew Maggie McAllister’s hair around her face as she watched the sleek black birds from the wooden porch that wrapped around her house. What a week it had been. Aside from the absurd number of crows hovering about, the trees in her yard had been inundated with an army of bushy-tailed squirrels. Two nights ago, she’d found a dead possum on the porch not far from where she was standing, and yesterday morning she’d discovered the half-eaten carcass of a rabbit out behind the garage. Very odd indeed.
High on her bluff that overlooked the rugged coastline of northern California, sea gulls reined supreme. Their presence seemed to keep the crow population to a minimum, but the gulls had been noticeably absent the last few days. And as for the influx of furry, four-legged creatures, it felt to Maggie as if they’d been unerringly drawn here, like the foam-tipped waves to the craggy rocks on the shore below.
Leah--Thank you so much for taking the time to review my entry, and for providing all of us with your insights and suggestions. What a wonderful opportunity to see through the editor's eyes! I've learned much from reading your comments and plan to take a close look at my hero to be sure the darkness in his story is balanced by his strengths. This beginning is from a work in progress, and it's going to be a little while before I'm really ready to submit. Would you still be willing to look at it later? And if so, could I remind you of this critique session in my query? Either way, I do appreciate the time and energy you've given this session, and the incredible opportunity you have offered to all of us!
ReplyDeletePaula Huffman
Thanks Leah! I appreciate your feedback. Back to tweaking my beginning :-)
ReplyDeleteThough you didn't get a chance to review the best beginning for my romance suspense novel and my four paragraphs, I thank you for giving all of us this wonderful opportunity.
ReplyDeleteIf it wasn't too traumatic maybe you will do this again.Next time,maybe my post will make it through without the problems I experienced with the internet.
Leah,
ReplyDeleteThanks for this opportunity and for requesting more!
~ Jackie F
Wonderful post, Leah, and it was a pleasure to read all the pitches!
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteCategory:YA Paranormal
ReplyDeletePitch: Mia has one goal for her senior year at Whispering Woods High- find her missing older brother. When her science project reveals a portal into another dimension and a government agency policing its immigration, she finds herself aiding two hunky agents in exchange for information about her brother.
My new life began on a Saturday. It was a life that chose me, which shouldn't have been surprising. Most seventeen-year olds would have called the events a head-on collision. For me, I was merely side-swiped in the journey to find my missing brother.
Saturday mornings were always my favorite. Dad cooked pancakes for the two of us and that vanilla-laden smell wafted up the stairs and tugged at my stomach. I ran downstairs in my shorts and “Geek Chic” t-shirt, sliding around the slick corner reminiscent of the way Tom Cruise did in Dad's favorite old movie, Risky Business. And he always looked up, spatula in hand, with that same welcoming smile full of comfort and familiarity.
“Yum,” I said after inhaling deeply. I sat down and picked up my fork in anticipation. A golden brown stack waited in the serving platter. My dad tugged on my ponytail before taking a seat across from me. He stared at the empty chair to my right. I concentrated on my plate. We both helped ourselves to generous mounds of pancakes and then I drizzled enough maple syrup to put me into a sugar coma. The only sound to be heard was the smacking and fork scraping that indicate true culinary delight. As usual, my eyes were bigger than my stomach. I shook my head woefully at the butter and syrup laced masterpiece I was abandoning. I rose and cleared my plate from the table.
“Whoa, you in a hurry?” Dad quizzed.
It’s Sabrina the Teenaged Witch meets The Highlander when Callie falls for James and discovers witches and immortals aren’t supposed to mix – but love, like magic can cast its own spell of enchantment.
ReplyDelete‘D-A-N-G-E-R’
The wooden planchette on the Ouija board stopped as suddenly as it started. The two girls looked at each other in astonishment.
“That’s not funny,” Skye said. “Stop it.”
“It wasn’t me, I swear,” said Callie.
A crackling noise, distant at first, increased in volume. Callie scanned her room for the source. The red ‘on’ light blinked on her boom box by the dresser. It was unplugged. Through the static emerged a chorus of chanting voices.
Title: Electrify Me
ReplyDeleteCategory: Sci-fi/Fantasy
Pitch: Amber Rayne is a twenty-something loser who spends most of her time drugged out and sexed up. Then she finds out she's a goddess destined to become the protector of the Earth and must prepare to fulfill her destiny.
I wished the guy waving the gun in my face had told me to go to hell. Then I could have laughed and said it was too late, because I was already there.
“Give me all your money!” the mugger yelled through his black ski mask. “Purse, jewelry, everything! Or you’re dead!” I was walking home from a party, absolutely smashed, but nothing says “sober” like a gun in your face and I bit back the fear creeping into my gut. Though I walk through the valley in the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil, because I’m the meanest bitch in the valley. The words gave me confidence and I took a deep breath.
“Don’t do me any favors,” I said, putting one hand on my hip. The other reached behind me for the high-powered air pistol I always carried when I walked alone at night.
“What?” He glared and shook the gun. “Shut up, bitch! I said money and jewelry and I’m not playing with you!” I distracted him with a little electric pulse from my mind. He only glanced away for a brief moment, but that was all I needed. The pellet gun was in his face when he turned around. He still could have shot me, and I kind of wished he had since I lacked the courage to do it myself. He didn’t, staring with wide eyes down the barrel of my weapon. Then he realized I had a toy pointed at him.
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